So, now it's time for the 'working on happily ever after' part of my story. This past 12 months have resulted in 3 absolutely amazing gifts.
1. Lean Eating: For the past year, I have been participating in a program sponsored by Precision Nutrition called Lean Eating. The program is in its last few weeks, and I have been selected as a finalist (Finalist #18)!! I had an amazing coach-turned friend (Cynthia) throughout the program. She really helped me stay focused, acknowledge the positive, and approach my massive goal in smaller chunks.
2. Bobby Whisnand: In conjunction with this program, I have been working very closely with my life coach locally (Bobby Whisnand). Bobby recently released a series of exercise DVD's sponsored by the American Heart Association called It's All Heart. He invited me to be a part of his cast (something that has been a dream of mine since I was 19 years old!). Bobby's invitation came at the end of September 2012, after another stress-induced adrenal crash, a blood sugar dip into diabetic range, and another 23 pounds of unexplained, rapid weight gain. When we started rehearsing for the DVD's last October, I was at my absolute highest weight in life. However, I accepted his invitation. Even though I did look as I wanted to on the outside, I was encouraged to keep trying, remain committed, and just do my very best. I decided that I would let the cards fall wherever they may.
3. Transformation: I finally started losing weight and changing my attitude and mindset in October 2012. The invitation to participate in the DVD filming was the catalyst. Keeping up with the lessons in the Lean Eating program were the glue. I have dropped 50 pounds since Sept 26, 2012!! I am 25 pounds away from my 'normal' weight, and I am finally fitting back into all of my beautiful dresses. In my most recent check-up this past April, my blood sugar levels FINALLY returned to normal ranges. Even though I will continue to have to manage the condition for the rest of my life, I am proof that you can be healed and set free of your ailments. I was able to rediscover FAITH in MYSELF and turn this thing around! Most importantly, I have found my self confidence and my SMILE again. I am no longer hiding from the camera or avoiding social settings. I am rediscovering life again. I am truly in a happy place right now. My end goal is eminent. My heart and outlook are once again positive, and I feel like I am finally back to myself. I feel strong again - mentally, physically, and emotionally. This state of mind is truly priceless.
Thank you for allowing me to share my test, my testimony, and my joy with you. Please know that if you are experiencing challenges in your life, the pain and hurt will not last forever. You are NOT alone in your struggles. I felt so incredibly alone during my 5-year test and like nobody understood what was happening to me. I realize now that I needed to go through these experiences. This was my destiny. My real name means "purpose," and I now realize that my reason for going through all of this was to emerge stronger and to share my story and experience with others.
Tuesday, July 02, 2013
Monday, July 01, 2013
Come on Back...
I know it's been a while since I've posted anything new. These days I really find myself coming back to life. I recently shared my journey with some of my close friends. One of them asked me if I was actively blogging about this experience. Another friend asked me the same question a few weeks back. Their questions certainly struck a chord with me. In the past, I have thoroughly enjoyed blogging on a regular basis. However, my own struggles got the best of me over the past several years. Anyway, I thought that I would recap the main points of my journey and use this as my "come on back" post.
So, here we go - the most vulnerable post that I think I have shared to date. However, I do so in the hopes of encouraging someone out there who may be going through a challenge. I am now at a point where I am working on creating my "happily ever after," and I am comfortable with being somewhat exposed.
My Story
"In life, you must have a test before you can have a testimony." -- Quote from my significant other
Throughout my life, I have worked very hard at learning how to define and accept myself. During my teenage years, I struggled with self-esteem and self confidence issues, which were all triggered by my weight. I had a relatively drama-free childhood, was smart, had nice friends, a good head on my shoulders, and I sincerely liked myself as a person. As I entered into my teenage years, I began to struggle with my weight. I did not like exercise, and I recognized that I was significantly larger than my friends. When I entered college, I decided that I would learn how to take care of my body and make better nutrition choices. Between the ages of 19-26, I was in excellent shape. I started becoming actively involved in the gym and fitness community in 1998 and discovered that I had a talent and passion as a fitness instructor and personal trainer. I competed in figure and bodybuilding competitions in my mid/late 20's, and found myself achieving many fitness goals. However, I also acknowledge that I am a perfectionist, workaholic, OCD-type, and really was stressing my body out to the max always trying to be the best at everything - work, grad school, gym - all in that order. My life was completely imbalanced. I lost sight of the truly important things and found myself failing at being a good daughter, sister, friend, and companion to those who loved me and mattered the most. Anyway, my body finally cried UNCLE at the end of 2006. I IGNORED the warning signs and noticed my body slowly starting to shut down.
In January 2007, my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 92. I was in my final semester of graduate school. In March 2007, my half-sister was killed in a car accident. She was my second sister to encounter this untimely fate. I managed to graduate on time in May 2007; my grandfather passed away 1 week after my graduation. Amidst all of this, I was working 70+ hours/week in a high stress managerial role. I was under chronic stress, experienced two very intense personal losses, and I never took time to grieve or heal...instead, I just worked more. Even though I gained 20 pounds in that 2 month period, I thought it would all pass. I was in denial. I let a full year go by. I knew that something "wasn't right," but I grew increasingly more afraid to probe into it farther. Avoidance only prolonged the inevitable. In August 2008, my body completely shut down after both of my parents fell ill on the same day (they are both fine and in good health now). I continued gaining weight, started experiencing intense anxiety, and fell into a deep depression. I ended up taking an 8-month medical leave from work. It was during this time that I discovered that I'd actually suffered a breakdown of my adrenal system, hormonal imbalance, and exhaustion. I bounced from doctor to doctor, practitioner to practitioner...only to be told that my body needed absolute rest and that my condition could take 3-5 years to heal, given that I learn how to manage my stress.
My Test
The past 5 years have been a test of faith, emotional strength, self learning, and resilience. When I returned to work in August 2009, I returned only to find out that my position had been eliminated. It was a blessing in disguise because I started having panic attacks anticipating a return. However, my unemployment was much longer than I ever anticipated. It was the beginning of the economic recession/depression, and I was out of work for 18 months. So much for that "no stress" thing. My condition only got worse. I would go through periods of being able to enjoy life, exercise, lose a few pounds (i.e. 5-10), hit a stressful setback, and gain massive amounts of weight in very short time frames. For instance, I gained 40 pounds in a 2 month period. I was completely frustrated. I had no idea how to heal my body or my emotional state. Enter the downward spiral....anxiety, depression, hormonal imbalances, adrenal exhaustion, chronic stress, extended unemployment (translation - more stress)...YIKES! There were days when I looked into the mirror, and I simply did not recognize the person staring back at me. I lost my smile and my spark. I felt completely hopeless and helpless. I became introverted, isolated, and quiet -- all very unfamiliar to me. Even as I type this now, I am in shock and very grateful that I was able to weather the storm.
My Testimony
I have continued working towards improving my condition, and the past year has really been truly transformational. Everything finally came together for me. My testimony is that you can overcome ANY obstacle as long as you don't give up, and you keep pressing forward. I have tried MANY different things over the years (some really crazy, out of pure desperation). There are times when I gave up, when I felt like I was never going to regain my energy, strength, or athleticism. I felt defeated time and time again. Many, many tears have been shed along the way. Throughout this journey, I lost my self confidence, I lost my self esteem, and I stopped believing in myself. I am happy to share that in my most recent check-up this past April, my blood sugar levels FINALLY returned to normal. Even though I will continue to have to manage the pre-diabetes condition for the rest of my life, I am proof that you can be healed and set free of your ailments. I was able to rediscover FAITH in MYSELF and turn this thing around!
So, here we go - the most vulnerable post that I think I have shared to date. However, I do so in the hopes of encouraging someone out there who may be going through a challenge. I am now at a point where I am working on creating my "happily ever after," and I am comfortable with being somewhat exposed.
My Story
"In life, you must have a test before you can have a testimony." -- Quote from my significant other
Throughout my life, I have worked very hard at learning how to define and accept myself. During my teenage years, I struggled with self-esteem and self confidence issues, which were all triggered by my weight. I had a relatively drama-free childhood, was smart, had nice friends, a good head on my shoulders, and I sincerely liked myself as a person. As I entered into my teenage years, I began to struggle with my weight. I did not like exercise, and I recognized that I was significantly larger than my friends. When I entered college, I decided that I would learn how to take care of my body and make better nutrition choices. Between the ages of 19-26, I was in excellent shape. I started becoming actively involved in the gym and fitness community in 1998 and discovered that I had a talent and passion as a fitness instructor and personal trainer. I competed in figure and bodybuilding competitions in my mid/late 20's, and found myself achieving many fitness goals. However, I also acknowledge that I am a perfectionist, workaholic, OCD-type, and really was stressing my body out to the max always trying to be the best at everything - work, grad school, gym - all in that order. My life was completely imbalanced. I lost sight of the truly important things and found myself failing at being a good daughter, sister, friend, and companion to those who loved me and mattered the most. Anyway, my body finally cried UNCLE at the end of 2006. I IGNORED the warning signs and noticed my body slowly starting to shut down.
In January 2007, my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 92. I was in my final semester of graduate school. In March 2007, my half-sister was killed in a car accident. She was my second sister to encounter this untimely fate. I managed to graduate on time in May 2007; my grandfather passed away 1 week after my graduation. Amidst all of this, I was working 70+ hours/week in a high stress managerial role. I was under chronic stress, experienced two very intense personal losses, and I never took time to grieve or heal...instead, I just worked more. Even though I gained 20 pounds in that 2 month period, I thought it would all pass. I was in denial. I let a full year go by. I knew that something "wasn't right," but I grew increasingly more afraid to probe into it farther. Avoidance only prolonged the inevitable. In August 2008, my body completely shut down after both of my parents fell ill on the same day (they are both fine and in good health now). I continued gaining weight, started experiencing intense anxiety, and fell into a deep depression. I ended up taking an 8-month medical leave from work. It was during this time that I discovered that I'd actually suffered a breakdown of my adrenal system, hormonal imbalance, and exhaustion. I bounced from doctor to doctor, practitioner to practitioner...only to be told that my body needed absolute rest and that my condition could take 3-5 years to heal, given that I learn how to manage my stress.
My Test
The past 5 years have been a test of faith, emotional strength, self learning, and resilience. When I returned to work in August 2009, I returned only to find out that my position had been eliminated. It was a blessing in disguise because I started having panic attacks anticipating a return. However, my unemployment was much longer than I ever anticipated. It was the beginning of the economic recession/depression, and I was out of work for 18 months. So much for that "no stress" thing. My condition only got worse. I would go through periods of being able to enjoy life, exercise, lose a few pounds (i.e. 5-10), hit a stressful setback, and gain massive amounts of weight in very short time frames. For instance, I gained 40 pounds in a 2 month period. I was completely frustrated. I had no idea how to heal my body or my emotional state. Enter the downward spiral....anxiety, depression, hormonal imbalances, adrenal exhaustion, chronic stress, extended unemployment (translation - more stress)...YIKES! There were days when I looked into the mirror, and I simply did not recognize the person staring back at me. I lost my smile and my spark. I felt completely hopeless and helpless. I became introverted, isolated, and quiet -- all very unfamiliar to me. Even as I type this now, I am in shock and very grateful that I was able to weather the storm.
My Testimony
I have continued working towards improving my condition, and the past year has really been truly transformational. Everything finally came together for me. My testimony is that you can overcome ANY obstacle as long as you don't give up, and you keep pressing forward. I have tried MANY different things over the years (some really crazy, out of pure desperation). There are times when I gave up, when I felt like I was never going to regain my energy, strength, or athleticism. I felt defeated time and time again. Many, many tears have been shed along the way. Throughout this journey, I lost my self confidence, I lost my self esteem, and I stopped believing in myself. I am happy to share that in my most recent check-up this past April, my blood sugar levels FINALLY returned to normal. Even though I will continue to have to manage the pre-diabetes condition for the rest of my life, I am proof that you can be healed and set free of your ailments. I was able to rediscover FAITH in MYSELF and turn this thing around!
I still have a little way to go before I reach my end goal, but I know that it is eminent. My heart and outlook are once again positive, and I feel like I am finally back to myself. I feel strong again - mentally, physically, and emotionally. I never stopped trying. Trust me there are times when I wanted to (and did) throw in the towel, but I couldn't fathom the long-term repercussions of acceptance. I had to keep trying to change the situation.
My Joy
I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends who helped me through these difficult times. Friends who offered their training & nutrition services, healthcare professionals who tried to help along the way, hands who tried to heal, and many hearts that simply loved.
There is a very happy ending to all of this...which I will post separately in a few days.
Thanks for reading, and I hope that my story helps someone who needs it today...
There is a very happy ending to all of this...which I will post separately in a few days.
Thanks for reading, and I hope that my story helps someone who needs it today...
Sunday, March 03, 2013
New Year, New Things..
Wow, March is here already! I'm feeling more positive and encouraged about all of my goals. I'm aiming high and really starting to LIVE again! Anyway, I have decided that my goal for March is to move more. I'm not talking about working out..got that covered..What I am talking about is the 10-11 hours that I spend sitting at work. My last job actually had walking treadmills that we could reserve like any other meeting in our day. They were equipped so that we could continue working while moving. That was very nice. Now, I work downtown, endure a 1-1.5 hour commute each-way, and find myself arriving home nothing short of exhausted on a regular basis. So, my goal for March is to move more during the day. I try to go for a walk at least twice a day while at work.
In addition, I want to have more fun while moving. Therefore, I've decided to take a few dance classes as something different and fun to do. We'll see how that pans out..I'm sure that at the very least, it will be fun (just as it was intended to be).
What are your March goals? How is 2013 progressing for you?
In addition, I want to have more fun while moving. Therefore, I've decided to take a few dance classes as something different and fun to do. We'll see how that pans out..I'm sure that at the very least, it will be fun (just as it was intended to be).
What are your March goals? How is 2013 progressing for you?
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
FitGirl's Top 10 "You Can Do It" Tips
In my last post, I provided a personal update. In doing so, I hope to remind you that it is possible to restore faith and confidence in yourself, even if you've given up.
- You CAN accomplish your goals, regardless of your situation.
- It WILL NOT be easy.
- It WILL NOT be fast.
- You must be HONEST with yourself and ACCEPT where you are today.
- You MUST enjoy the journey and TRUST the process.
- It HELPS to build the right team. For me, this includes a personal wellness coach, support system, and journaling.
- You MUST find what works for you.
- You MUST listen to your body.
- I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE you to memorialize your progress. During my heaviest weight, I despised taking photographs. However, doing so has really helped me recognize my accomplishment thus far. I wish that I would have taken more pictures and measurements, as painful as it is for me to do that.
- BELIEVE, BELIEVE, BELIEVE in yourself. DO NOT GIVE UP, no matter how insurmountable the goal or progress may be. You will get there - small steps, big steps - it all moves you closer.
- BONUS TIP! I learned this from @IyanlaVanzant. This tip really resonated with me because, in being 100% honest with myself, this tip was where I was lacking and in need of the most. Ready for it? Here it is, and it's simple. CONSISTENTLY DO YOUR WORK and HONESTLY OWN YOUR ACTIONS. I realized that I kept falling into the trap of constantly reminding myself what I "used" to do and the results that those former actions "used to" produce. I would try something for a week or two, not see marked progress, and then give up. It wasn't until I was CONSISTENT and COMMITTED to my program that I began seeing results. The difference is that I began DO-ing my WORK CONSISTENTLY.
Is it 2013 already?
Wow, 2012 is over and 2013 is upon us already. I just returned from a much needed vacation. I went to the beautiful state of Hawaii for some R&R, and it was just what I needed. Here's an update on everything that's been going on with me fitness wise:
* 2012 presented me with further challenges with my overall health, which impacted my overall happiness
* Joined a 12-month on-line wellness coaching program that is really helping me to restore my self-confidence. After a bout of unexplained weight gain in the late summer/early fall months, the tide started to shift for me in October
* I was cast in an exercise DVD series in October! We had 6 weeks to prepare for filming, and during those 6 weeks, I lost a solid 15 pounds!!
* Finished the year by losing 31 pounds total between Oct 1 - Dec 31, 2012.
* Most important accomplishment of 2012: I started to believe in myself again. I stopped putting unncessary pressure on myself and simply respected my body for enduring the super stressful periods from 2007-2012. In reviewing it all, I have no idea how my body was able to keep me afloat, but it did. Endure in times of hardship (mental, physical, emotional). I actually took (another) break from training others to truly focus on healing myself. That has been the magic ticket. I MISS actively working with clients and teaching spinning classes, but I have to heal the inside and rebuild the outside before I will feel ready to teach again and take on clients.
That being the case, 2013 finds me EXCITED and READY to accomplish new (and old) goals. I realized that I was putting so much pressure on myself to try to compete, but my body was simply not capable of doing so at the time. I was in denial and tried to push prematurely, and that was just a downward spiral of trial, error, and disappointment. I can honestly say that I'm healed and ready. I have an amazing team in place and will start journaling via my blog more often this year. I've missed allowing my fitness friends to read my rumblings about my journey.
Please let me know what's going on in your world and what you'd like to see from me in 2013. Join me in celebrating life, blessings, and friendship in abundance this year.
Cheers!
* 2012 presented me with further challenges with my overall health, which impacted my overall happiness
* Joined a 12-month on-line wellness coaching program that is really helping me to restore my self-confidence. After a bout of unexplained weight gain in the late summer/early fall months, the tide started to shift for me in October
* I was cast in an exercise DVD series in October! We had 6 weeks to prepare for filming, and during those 6 weeks, I lost a solid 15 pounds!!
* Finished the year by losing 31 pounds total between Oct 1 - Dec 31, 2012.
* Most important accomplishment of 2012: I started to believe in myself again. I stopped putting unncessary pressure on myself and simply respected my body for enduring the super stressful periods from 2007-2012. In reviewing it all, I have no idea how my body was able to keep me afloat, but it did. Endure in times of hardship (mental, physical, emotional). I actually took (another) break from training others to truly focus on healing myself. That has been the magic ticket. I MISS actively working with clients and teaching spinning classes, but I have to heal the inside and rebuild the outside before I will feel ready to teach again and take on clients.
That being the case, 2013 finds me EXCITED and READY to accomplish new (and old) goals. I realized that I was putting so much pressure on myself to try to compete, but my body was simply not capable of doing so at the time. I was in denial and tried to push prematurely, and that was just a downward spiral of trial, error, and disappointment. I can honestly say that I'm healed and ready. I have an amazing team in place and will start journaling via my blog more often this year. I've missed allowing my fitness friends to read my rumblings about my journey.
Please let me know what's going on in your world and what you'd like to see from me in 2013. Join me in celebrating life, blessings, and friendship in abundance this year.
Cheers!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Best Day of my Life! One Lifelong Dream Realized!
The past 6 weeks have been simply amazing. At the beginning of October, I was selected to be a cast member in a new set of DVDs that
are being sponsored by the American Heart Association! I've been dreaming of
this ever sine I was 19 years old and purchased my first workout VHS tapes (Firm
Cross Trainers). This dream has been on my "to accomplish list" for my entire "fit" adulthood. I agreed to
participate even though I've been struggling with health issues and unwanted
weight gain. I agreed to do it anyway because I thought that in the big picture,
maybe I could be a source of inspiration to others who may be going through
similar challenges. I want to remind others (and myself) that you can still be healthy and keep your heart
strong, even in the midst of combating other issues.
Well, today we filmed, and it was the best day of my life (so far). I let my personality, enthusiasm, and passion for fitness shine through. I enjoyed the entire process - hair & make-up the most. I felt like a million bucks!! I had the brightest smile and the biggest heart because that's who I am inside!! This is an amazing accomplishment for me. I am checking off something that has been on my list since I was 19 years old...and I'm 34 now. God puts the right people in your life, at the right time, for the right reason. This entire experience has been remarkable.
I will admit that earlier this week, I got a little freaked out and I let the demons of insecurity and self doubt enter into my mind. I was so nervous that I'd appear massive and out of shape on film. Earlier this month, I attended my brother's wedding, and the photos came back. I really did not like what I saw. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I keep trying to pump myself up and hold my head up high. I keep putting a shield around my heart saying that those who judge me know absolutely nothing about my journey. Well, the instructor (and now my trainer) has always commented that I'm "perfect as I am," and he keeps telling me that I was born to do this. It's his project, so if he's happy, then that makes me feel better. I have lost almost 20 pounds during our 6-week rehearsal process, so I'm making progress. I did my work, and my results and blessings were in abundance.
Even better news is that we will be filming additional workouts in 2013, so you will be able to see my full journey. The instructor is just amazing. He has become a great friend and even better coach. My castmate has completely transformed himself, losing almost 100 pounds in one year's time. I am very happy for him and his accomplishment, particularly at such a young age (24).
GOAL. REALIZED.
Well, today we filmed, and it was the best day of my life (so far). I let my personality, enthusiasm, and passion for fitness shine through. I enjoyed the entire process - hair & make-up the most. I felt like a million bucks!! I had the brightest smile and the biggest heart because that's who I am inside!! This is an amazing accomplishment for me. I am checking off something that has been on my list since I was 19 years old...and I'm 34 now. God puts the right people in your life, at the right time, for the right reason. This entire experience has been remarkable.
I will admit that earlier this week, I got a little freaked out and I let the demons of insecurity and self doubt enter into my mind. I was so nervous that I'd appear massive and out of shape on film. Earlier this month, I attended my brother's wedding, and the photos came back. I really did not like what I saw. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I keep trying to pump myself up and hold my head up high. I keep putting a shield around my heart saying that those who judge me know absolutely nothing about my journey. Well, the instructor (and now my trainer) has always commented that I'm "perfect as I am," and he keeps telling me that I was born to do this. It's his project, so if he's happy, then that makes me feel better. I have lost almost 20 pounds during our 6-week rehearsal process, so I'm making progress. I did my work, and my results and blessings were in abundance.
Even better news is that we will be filming additional workouts in 2013, so you will be able to see my full journey. The instructor is just amazing. He has become a great friend and even better coach. My castmate has completely transformed himself, losing almost 100 pounds in one year's time. I am very happy for him and his accomplishment, particularly at such a young age (24).
GOAL. REALIZED.
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Versaclimber has finally arrived!
Well, my quest for a Versaclimber has finally come to an end, I haven't been able to find a used one specifically for the SM108 Commercial model, so I bought one. It was built to order and took 4 weeks to get here. It was delivered in a freight on a Thursday afternoon. It took us about a week to finally unpack, assemble it, and put our garage back together (we moved to a new place in February). So, the gym is back in order, with a Versaclimber to boot!
My first try on it, I was only able to last for 45 seconds! My legs were on fire! So, I've been adding 5 minutes to my morning cardio over the past 2 weeks. I'm finally starting to get it! The movement is truly like no other! On Thursday, I actually finished a 15 minute climb! I'm really looking forward to getting the most out of this puppy!
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